Q4 2019

www.wealthandfinance-news.com 8 Wealth & Finance International - Q4 2019 • Fight : When both personal confidence (autonomy) and relationship security (unity) are low, one’s psychological position is hostile-dependent. This shows itself in behaviors of “moving against” others in the family or family system. The feelings and behaviors expressed are often confusion, anger, resistance, and opposition. • Freeze : When personal confidence (autonomy) is low and relationship security (unity) is high, one’s psychological position is co-dependent. This shows itself in behaviors of “moving in” with others in the family or family system. What we often see is enmeshment, clinginess, entanglement, low self- esteem, fear, and anxiety. • Flight : When personal confidence (autonomy) is high and relationship security (unity) is low, one’s psychological position is counter-dependent. This shows itself in behaviors of “moving away” from others in the family and/or family system. This is seen in acts of isolation and detachment, which can look like independence, if it were not for the financial dependence. • Flow : When both personal confidence (autonomy) and relationship security (unity) are high, one’s psychological position is inter-dependent. This shows itself in behaviors of “moving with” others in the family and/or family system. This is experienced as cooperation, maturity, accountability, and resilience. This, of course, is the most optimal position for family members. For economic success and relationship harmony within a legacy family or family business, family members must purposefully address emotional historical impasses, resolve sibling rivalries, find comparable values, and work toward mutual goals. The psychological tools for doing this work are what we have termed “thick trust” and “mature adult communication.” Long-term success in family and business life requires a willingness to trust one another. The question is how we measure the trust. Scientific research shows that most people’s accuracy in discerning if another person can be trusted is imprecise. Much of the time, we have weak or no guidelines other than a set of emotional clues we have used in the past. Trust is dynamic—not static. The more we have at risk, the greater the need for trust. It is helpful to think of trust in three levels. 6 1. One-Way Trust. Only one person has trust on the line. If the other person cannot be trusted to follow through on promises or commitments the relationship ends, as do any potential gains or losses. 2. Mutual Trust. This is a reciprocity style, often called quid pro quo and “tit for tat,” for regulating equilibrium in transactional relationships. It is the most familiar type of trust in business, worked out among and between the same parties over a long period of time. Both parties play the roles of giver, taker, 1. Erik Erickson, Identity, Youth, and Crisis. 2. Antonio Damasio, Looking for Spinoza: Joy, Sorrow and the Feeling Brain. 3. The study was conducted by an international research team, including: Agata Gąsiorowska, Tomasz Zaleśkiewicz, and Sandra Wygrab, SWPS University in Wrocław, Lan Nguyen Chaplin, University of Illinois, and Kathleen D. Vohs, University of Minnesota. 4. Joseph LeDoux, The Emotional Brain, The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. 5. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow, The Psychology of Optimal Experience. 6. Elinor Ostrom and James Walker, editors, Trust & Reciprocity, Interdisciplinary Lessons from Experimental Research. 7. Nassim Taleb, “A Map and Simple Heuristic to Detect Fragility, Antifragility, and Model Error.” and matcher, and exchange these roles for mutual benefit. When trust is broken, the relationships and transactions end. 3. Thick Trust. This is the highest form of trust and is required for family members to work together for the long-term. Family business relationships are complex because they occur across different settings and include a diverse series of interactions, both personal and professional. Action at one level may have ramifications at other levels, and every action has the potential for benefit or harm. Trust at this level, like in a marriage, requires the strength, resilience, and skill of mature character to overcome and forgive mistakes. Trust and trustworthiness are forms of social and relationship capital. A subjective way to think about your trustworthiness or that of another person in a family business is the following formula. Personal Character plus Competency Skills divided by Self-Interest plus Psychological Awareness plus Behavioral Adjustment determines Thick Trust. TT=[(PC+CS)÷SI]+(PA+BA) A solid foundation of trust allows communication to be clear, constructive, and proactive, what we call Mature Adult Communication (MAC). We suggest that family members have a formal agreement to use MAC when important economic and emotional decisions need to be made. The first step in MAC is to clearly define the issue. Much of what is called “failure to communicate” is not having a clear and collective understanding of the problem or issue. The second step is to explore all the psychological dynamics, emotions, and feelings around the issue. This is often the hardest step and may require outside consultation. The third step is to have full commitment by all family members involved in the issue to the decision-making process (who, how, and when a decision will be made) and to make a clear and firm decision, with an evaluation process if necessary. MAC eliminates what statistician and author Nassim Taleb calls narrative fallacy, “ a wrong ruler will not measure the height of a child. ” 7 This is how we fool others and ourselves by a flaw in a story of the past, often emotional, which shape our decisions for the future. An accurate diagnosis of the problem sets the stage for the correct treatment. Decisions that address the wrong description of the situation can be made with a high level of determination, confidence, and authority, but will still be defective and require correction at a later time with greater expense. Creating, managing, and transitioning wealth within a family is a balancing act. It requires addressing the struggles not only among and between individual family members, but the tension created by money. The connections from our emotional system to our cognitive system are stronger than the connections from our cognitive systems to our emotional system. If this were not true, Daniel’s adult children would not have entered into the discord that has alienated and estranged family members.